August 2015
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The Mad Maestro
August 2015
Is Tim Nice but Dim working behind the till at B&Q?
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First verse


Everyone delights to spend their summer’s holiday

Down beside the side of the side of the silvery sea.

I’m no exception to the rule

In fact if I’d my way

I’d reside by the side of the silvery sea.

But when you’re just the common or garden Smith or Jones of Brown

At business up in town

You’ve got to settle down.

You save up all the money you can till summer comes around

Then away you go

To a spot you know

Where the Cockle shells are found.



Oh I do like to be beside the seaside!

I do like to be beside the sea!

I do like to stroll along the prom, prom, prom!

Where the brass bands play:


So just let me be beside the seaside

I’ll be beside myself with glee!

And there’s lots of girls beside

I should like to be beside

Beside the seaside!

Beside the sea!


Second verse

William Sykes the burglar

He’d been out to work one night

Filled his bag with jewels, cash and plate

Constable Brown felt quite surprised

When William hove in sight

Said he: “The hours you’re keeping are far too late.”

So he grabbed him by the collar and lodged him safe and sound in jail

Next morning looking pale

Bill told a tearful tale.

The judge said: “For a couple of months I’m sending you away!”

Said Bill: “How kind!

Well if you don’t mind

Where I spend my holiday!”




Here is another lively arrangement by the Mad Maestro! 

Nothing evokes the joy and fun of a trip to the beach quite like the song: "Oh I Do Like to be Beside the Seaside".

I Do Like to Be Beside the Seaside is a popular British music hall song, written in 1907 by John A. Glover-Kind. It was made famous by music hall singer Mark Sheridan who first recorded it in 1909. It speaks of the singer's love for the seaside, and his wish to return there for his summer holidays each year. It was composed at a time when the yearly visits of the British working-class to the seaside were booming.

For a long time Seaside was used as a signature tune by Reginald Dixon who was the resident organist at the Tower Ballroom, Blackpool between 1930-70.

A snippet of the song can be heard at the closing of Seven Seas of Rhye by the English rock band Queen.

This version for classical guitar should pose few problems for intermediate guitarists, though some effort is required to maintain the brisk pace throughout the piece.

Some of the harmonies might sound a little peculiar while the piece is being learned, but trust me, when it is played confidently at the correct tempo it sounds fab.


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Seaside (Oh I Do Like to be Beside the Seaside)

By this time my bemusement was beginning to turn into frustration and anguish… After all I only had three coach bolts in my hand.


The very ‘nice’ checkout operator proceeded to scan the items. Then, as an afterthought, he asked the woman if she would like him to get someone to look in the warehouse to see if there were any more tiles in stock (nice but also very dim). A collective groan went up from the now lengthy queue of eager shoppers as the young man put out a message for a floor assistant to come and engage in a search of the warehouse.


No problem I thought… it was going to take fifteen minutes or so for an assistant to arrive, take instructions, search the warehouse and then come back. Surely the woman would be asked to stand to one side while other customers were served; so I waited patiently to be called forward.


I waited……


And waited…..


And waited…..


No assistant arrived, and no offer to serve me was forthcoming. Eventually, as the throng of shoppers behind me became more and more restless, I decided I had better intervene. I asked our nice but rather dim checkout operator if he would mind laying the current transaction away and serve people while the warehouse search was completed. I could sense the anticipation and excitement of the wait-weary crowd behind me as I made my perfectly reasonable request.


Everyone’s hopes were quickly dashed however. A quizzical look appeared on the young checkout operator’s face as he considered a problem so complex it would have stretched a lobotomised chimpanzee. His quizzical look changed to one of confusion, then wonderment and finally to agonized frustration. Our nice but dim operative was finally defeated. He had hit the limits of his intellectual capacity. He was forced to cop out by politely telling me that he was going to serve the woman first and that I would have to wait my turn (nice-ish but very dim indeed).


I am ashamed to say that at this point my patience ran out. I simply left the coach bolts on the conveyor and left the store.


Badobadop says:


“If you want to avoid being served by Tim Nice but Dim, it might be better to steer clear of Coventry’s Binley branch of B&Q!”

Rec Room Rant
August 2015

Last Saturday I popped into my local B&Q diy store to buy some bolts. I selected the items I needed (three M12 x 100 mm coach bolts) and headed off towards the checkout.


Rather than getting to grips with an impersonal self serve machine (see my rant ‘Weapons of Mass Frustration’), I opted to use a conventional checkout with a human operative. I duly took my place in the queue and waited my turn to be served.


The woman in front of me was holding five border tiles. Rather than make use of the numerous floor assistants, the woman chose to burden the checkout operator with the job of calculating the length of border her tiles would make. It would seem that multiplying 200 millimetres by five to get 1 metre was too complex for her simple mind to compute without assistance.


The checkout operator was very ‘nice’. With politeness and patience he calculated the distance for the woman who was somewhat disappointed because it fell short of her requirement. The ‘nice’ checkout operator then asked the woman if she would like someone to get another tile for her. She explained that she had looked high and low and couldn’t find any more. She had the last five tiles. After some discussion, the woman decided to buy the tiles she had in her hand.